Avoiding writing and book ideas
When something is elusive, and some things then emerge…
Avoiding writing
I’ve been avoiding writing for a week. Okay, more than a week. Several weeks. I’ve been procrastinating. I’ve been distracted. I’ve chosen distraction. I’ve been productive in other ways, though. My house is very clean right now and I’ve purged old papers and sorted and reorganized some bins. It feels good/bad.
What and how to write has somehow eluded me. When something has come to me, that hint I’ve been waiting for, it soon flees. Like when I’m washing dishes or taking a shower. Or when I’m slightly dozing off to sleep, or before I fully wake in the morning. Or when I’m on a walk or out in my garden. An idea comes, then it goes, never to return. Or if I do manage to snatch the idea by the tail when it does come, it’s barely part of anything. I’ve lost confidence in my writing lately as if it's gone off with these fleeting moments.
Book ideas
Funny I say this when I’ve also shared with most of you that I want to focus on my writing more and write a book even! I feel like I have something to say, I hear myself say to others. I continue to say that my writing has become better and that I think I’ve found my voice over the past few years. I’m ready for it to be out there in a bigger way. I’ve been inspired by several authors who have shown me their stories, their authentic voice, and their courage. Maybe my book can do the same for someone else, too.
I’ve had a book idea for about a year. The idea is to take all my writing and imagery from the past three and a half years (all that that you’ve supported me on thank you!) and reimagine them in a new way. I’d discover what themes appear. I’d choose only the better writing and imagery. I’d rewrite however needed. This book idea is essentially about my creative expression, interior world, and perspective.
Then another book idea came to me about three weeks ago when I was visiting family and talking with my siblings, Beck and Richie (who are both Ko‑fi supporters, thank you!). Why stop at the past three and a half years, they wondered. I had started to consider this too, to be honest. Your life has been interesting, they encouraged. My life has been interesting, I mused.
And then I really thought, why not consider so much more of my life and experiences, through the themes of art and identity? I got excited. I have journals going back decades. Once I got home I went to my storage unit to retrieve the bins I knew they were in and brought them home to go through (see Avoiding writing, above).
I started doing online research on topics like How to Write Your First Book, How to Write a Memoir, and How to Get Published and then I felt like, Who Am I Kidding? It was all so overwhelming and I got confused and lost confidence to write anything at all. It just made me more avoidant of writing.
Chime reflecting
During this time I was also making a new chime. Tethered onto the Lao cotton fabric I had dyed using eucalyptus leaves (which I wrote about in my last post), I hand-stitched redbud seedpods at the bottom and a heavenly bamboo stick at the top, choosing golden silk thread from Laos to attach it all.
But I realized too far into the process that the chime was feeling off. The colors were flat, the seedpods and stick were held too tight, and there was nothing dynamic about it. It was stiff and timid — reflecting what I was feeling and what my writing has felt like lately.
Yellow everywhere
At one point I looked up from my writing and noticed yellow everywhere. The light pine wood of the window blinds; the naturally dyed fabric swatches in two shades of yellow beside me on my desk; and the bright yellow ginkgo leaves I picked up from a recent neighborhood walk.
I went downstairs to make some tea and there was more yellow. The sunbeam shining through the window; the still-fresh lilies from a friend. I went outside. The fallen yellowed leaves of the river birch tree dominated the landscape.
It was as if yellow was trying to get my attention. I thought of the chakras and yellow being the color of the solar plexus chakra, an energetic area of the body between the rib cage and naval, symbolizing confidence, self-esteem, and will.
This is what I’ve been struggling with — a loss of confidence in what to write, self-doubt about writing a book, and avoiding writing! Maybe all this yellow came to me for a reason. For all the lack of yellow within my being, there’s been an abundance of yellow all around me, showing me to have confidence, not to doubt, and that I can do this.
Starting small
It came to me the other day as I was talking to my sweetie that maybe I won’t write a memoir right now, that maybe it was all too much, and that I think I’ll stay with the original book idea of reimagining my blogs. It feels easier and more accessible to me, I said. I can do it. My writing, story, and imagery are already mostly there.
Start small and start with what you know, I heard myself say. This is what helped me start Indigo Lion Handmade, a big endeavor with a mighty vision. I didn’t know how to do it, but I knew I could, so I started with what I knew, little by little until I knew more, and then more came within my reach.
I had some relief in admitting that a memoir may be too much for me at first. I’m intrigued with the whole idea for sure, a big new endeavor. But not right now, I felt. Someday yes.
I’m not avoiding writing anymore, and am writing again. I have so much to say and so much more I want to write.
I know I can write a book that is a reimagining of my writing and imagery in a new way.
I want to make another chime that is more free and brave, reflecting to me how I need to be.
Yellow is still everywhere, seeping into my spirit and lifting my mood. I can do this.
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With ideas emerging…
LouLou
“Avoiding writing and book ideas” was originally published as an exclusive post to my Ko-fi supporters in November 2023. Now it is public to you, too!
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