Restless waiting
Restless came to visit me, with her shadowy friends Worry, Fear, and Doubt. She’d come before and I had ignored her. This time, I couldn’t.
I seemed to finish a series of big creative projects — including the healing chimes for the Artist Collection, the sewing and hand stitching classes to support the Siho Collection, and post writings for Patreon — and then found myself sorta… stopped.
Not stuck, not blocked. Something else. Waiting, it seemed. But it wasn’t the patient kind of waiting. It was restless. Waiting for what? The next hit of inspiration. The next creative project. The next thing. I looked around my studio. Things were put away and tidy again. But it felt like things were locked away so I couldn’t see anything.
It’s not like I didn’t have any ideas or inspiration. I have many. Many. I looked at my lists and art sketchbook full of ideas and explorations. I looked at my plethora of Lao fabrics and natural found objects which always inspire me to move forward. It was all right there. Waiting.
But it was Restless that came to visit me, with her shadowy friends Worry, Fear, and Doubt. She’d come before and I knew I needed to open the door and let her in. When I ignored her in the past, she unleashed those shadowy friends for a year. That’s when I was creatively stuck and blocked and it was painful. I respect her too much now, and the wisdom she brings when she’s brought into the light. I wasn’t going to turn her away this time.
See, Restless is the knocking within. But it’s the pounding of Worry, Fear, and Doubt that cracks things open. It felt both a little crowded and awkwardly empty for two days when they were here. All I could do was be present with them, and try not to freak out that they’d take over completely. It’s okay if they’re there, I knew. But not okay if they take the reins on my creativity. Nope. I learned that hard lesson already.
They’re really just trying to protect me and keep me “safe”, I reckoned.
Worry and Fear tell me that bad things will happen if I make healing chimes that aren’t any good — like humiliation, shame, and pity from others. Or if they’re great and sell well I won’t be able to keep up and be consumed with overwhelm. My quality of life will tank and my relationships will all go away.
Doubt had some things to say, too. What if you’re not good enough? What if that was all beginner’s luck with the first series of healing chimes? What if you can’t create anything anyone cares about at all? What if you fail? And then what? It’s just too terrible to think about.
Best not to do anything. Just stop. Play it safe. See, isn’t that better?
Nope. Because my heart and soul know better. I can’t stop. That’s the thing.
Worry, Fear, and Doubt mean well. They’re not mean or scary. When I give them the space to show up, to say what they need to say, and thank them for protecting me, their energies then start to fade.
The wisdom they brought this time into the light is my conviction, actually – a belief in myself and a deep knowing in my work. To stop is not an option anymore. I have no choice but to create, to be an artist, even to fail from time to time, and get up and try again. And again.
After two days, Restless was satisfied, and let me be.
I rummaged through bins and took things off of shelves in search of materials to work on my next healing chime series. Things were starting to whisper to me, drawing my attention – a bag of indigo scrap fabric, natural thread that was teal-indigo colored, a swatch of natural hemp fabric with wax resist lines, all from Laos. I also found long coiled cinnamon-colored leaves still on their branch.
Something was emerging. I couldn’t wait.
“Restless waiting” was originally published as an exclusive post to my Patreon supporters in September 2020. Now it’s public and available to you, too!
And I’m excited to announce that since December 2022, I’ve switched to Ko-fi!
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A big shout out to my wonderful supporters! Thank you, each of you, for supporting my ongoing creative work – Julie B, Sharmila K, Sushmita M, Kori J, Marga F, Kara B, Kristina L, Laura C, Louise B, Beck C, Skip M, Chris Z, and Richie M. It means so much and I am grateful. I think of you as create these posts, what I write about and share, and I hope that it offers you insight and inspiration along the way.
