Away / off / closer
Procrastination showed me how far away I was, and let me feel the awkward off-ness of it all…
This post is late. But I had a good reason, I reason. I was busy. Flat out busy in an amazing way (read about it here!). But that’s not all of it. I could have made the space and time when all the busy was gone and I was back in my studio. But it’s hard to start up again after being away. So I waited.
“Procrastination helps us to be a student of our own reluctance, to understand the hidden darker side of the first enthusiastic idea, to learn what we are afraid of in the endeavor itself; to put an underbelly into the work itself so that it becomes a living, satisfying whole, not a surface trying to manipulate us in the moment.” (p. 173, Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words by David Whyte)
Finally I started drawing a few of the fallen yellow leaves I had picked up in my backyard garden. It’s the only thing that came to me to do.
They were simple line drawings, drawing out the form and feeling the soft density of the pencil. But it was awkward. What was I doing? What was my idea? I saw it in my marks. I felt it in my hands. I wasn’t enthusiastic. Something was off.
So I waited some more. Procrastination held on, like a net I thought I was getting free from but continued to be entangled in.
More dynamic drawings emerged later as my energy shifted, bringing leaf forms into being, feeling the dark richness of the pencil. And yet. It felt aimless, even pointless. Still off.
Leaving leaves behind, and needing to be free of forms, I just scribbled. It started to bring me back from being far away. A little closer. And yet. When I looked at it, it was silent. It too felt off.
A few days later I went through the photos and videos of my drawings, and it all felt like a thin attempt. It wasn’t cohesive or clear what I was doing or what the idea was. There was no creative process. There wasn’t really a story.
I looked up the etymology for the word “off”:
Old English of, unstressed form of æf (prep., adv.) "away, away from," from PIE root *apo- "off, away." (source)
That’s it. I’d been off in the sense of being away. Away from my studio and the routine of things when I’m here in this space, which needs spaciousness for creativity and introspection.
One antonym of “off” is “close”, as in near or nearby. The opposite of away. A few more days later I found myself cropping in on the images again, like I’ve been doing recently. Getting close.
Then rearranging. Reconciling maybe. Because then curiosity came closer, too. And the process was interesting, and I liked what was happening.
Perhaps it was my way of bringing the drawings nearer, where the spaciousness could focus and be closer. Where I could recognize something again. Not off. Not quite on. But closer.
I think procrastination showed me how far away I was, and let me feel the awkward off-ness of it all, and gave me the spaciousness to bring me closer to my art and writing again.
*
Getting closer…
LouLou
“Away / off / closer” was originally published as an exclusive post to my Ko-fi supporters in October 2023. Now it is public to you, too!
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