In front
We never know how one person, then another, then another sets us in motion to overcome our fears and limiting beliefs about ourselves.
For quite a while I’ve been terrified to get up in front of people – whether as a presenter, speaker, or teacher – and it seemed to only increase. So much so that it has nearly paralyzed me. I would get caught up in over thinking the details, preparing how it would go, and worrying if it would be any good. It would consume me for days. My anxiety would grow and become overwhelming – my throat would constrict, I’d feel nauseous, and a sense of dread would loom.
It’s not to say that when I did get in front of people from time to time that those times were a wreck. They all went well enough, I guess. I just read straight from what I had meticulously prepared beforehand, not wavering from the script. I always wanted it over and was relieved when it finally was.
But after a while, it seemed like I was avoiding getting in front of people to speak, like it was becoming too much to bear.
And then something started to shift in the past year, as if I had to confront this fear, and move through it. Maybe I didn’t want to be that person anymore, so terrified to speak in front of people. Maybe I needed to start sharing what I know, share my experiences, and share my stories in person.
1)
It all started with Julie (and first Patreon supporter, thank you!). She was the inspiration behind doing an art project with my family last spring, as she had been doing this with her family for years during their summer vacations on Cape Cod, MA.
I had written about it all in the post, Wands and so much more with little (and big) kids.
“At the last minute while packing, I thought of Julie’s art project with her family, and grabbed a few things – a few small skeins of natural and indigo handwoven Lao thread and a fair size swatch of Phu Tai indigo ikat Lao fabric. I had no project in mind, or any plan, really. What I had in mind is that we’d forage for sticks there and whatever else and make things.”
I didn’t tell them how to make anything. I showed them a few things, how to do this or that, and let them experiment and figure it out. Everyone joined in on the fun and we spent the afternoon making wands, swords, crosses, bouquets, and chimes.
And here’s my big sister, Beck (and Patreon supporter, thank you!) also making a healing chime! She’s a former elementary school teacher, as were our parents. That gene clearly skipped me.
2)
Last winter when I met up with Susan of Mekong River Textiles, she shared this with me: “I’m nearly 75 now and because I’ve been terrified to speak in front of people my whole life, I’ve turned down invitations to present and teach. As a result, I’ve missed out on opportunities. I don’t want to be that anymore.” And so we conceived of the video series Lao Textiles Stories! She is learning to be in front of the camera to tell her stories and share her knowledge of textiles. Her bravery to go out of her comfort zone has been showing me the way.
3)
Then earlier this spring I was invited by my former colleague from Empowered Women International , Alex, to participate in the EWI Legacy Stories, a series of “inspiring conversations with the women who have helped shape EWI over the past 20 years.” Of course I had to say yes. How could I say no? My dear friends who were all from EWI were also being interviewed – Sharmila, Marga, and Sush (and all Patreon supporters, thank you!).
They all get in front of people for their work all the time, and are amazing at teaching, speaking, and presenting. How was I going to sound compared to them, I feared. Though truthfully, they’ve been my biggest supporters and wonderful role models in all instances in which I’ve had to get in front of people to speak!
The date was set. Questions were sent in advance. I prepared the answers. I thought about what I wanted to say for days. Days. I was definitely nervous. On the day of the interview, I woke up feeling really good about it and not full of dread, which was unusual. It was actually fun. It felt good, and I felt good. Something had shifted.
And the final interview was just released this week! You can read the short blog here and watch the longer 48-minute video here (or maybe catch a few snippets).
4)
Next was from Tik, the president of Lao Heritage Foundation of which I’m a board member (and Skip, too, who is also a Patreon supporter, thank you!). She asked me if I would be the moderator for an upcoming online conversation with ARTCLE22 founder Elizabeth Suda, for a discussion of how the company got started partnering with Lao artisans to create jewelry made from Secret War shrapnel and scrap.
I was honored to be asked, and also terrified! Then I remembered what she had shared with me at the last board meeting, of how terrified she was about doing a lot of new things through LHF. It made me realize that I can do new things, too. She was showing me the way.
I wore a bright yellow shirt for confidence. Of course I had prepared too much and was nervous all day, but then when it started that evening it was all fine. It all went well and was fun and people said I did a great job!
5)
Then something big happened, a kind of breakthrough. My artwork, “Magnolia Petals: Dark Truths, 2020” was shown, along with other artists’ work, for the We PAUSED! Unbound exhibit’s first installation, “The Water Still Churns”.
This was a big project created by Sush of Studio PAUSE. The artists were all asked to speak briefly at the reception that was held in mid July. I didn't have the time to prepare what to say. I was helping behind the scenes for the event and then later was taking photos and videos. I didn’t have time to think about it and I even sorta forgot. Or was in denial.
At one point I realized that all the people I had been talking with that day, and the artists who went before me to speak, all somehow helped me prepare what to say, and how to say it – be honest, and speak from the heart. They were all showing me the way, too.
Like Kara (another Patreon supporter, thank you!) who came earlier. When she asked me about my work in the show and I told her, I felt she was helping me prepare what to say.
Wearing my yellow shirt again for confidence, but without a script, being “unprepared”, and barely getting nervous, I spoke in front of a big crowd. It all went well, too. I was pretty surprised!
6)
Sush had invited me to teach a summer camp session with her at Studio PAUSE for little kids and bigger kids. Just like I introduced making wands and more to my family last year, she wanted me to do that at Studio PAUSE. Sure, I said, trying not to think about it too much.
Weeks passed. We met a day before the camp session and talked about the details and what it would look like. I prepared everything the day of the camp. I wasn’t nervous, not really. Not like I had been. She saw how I broke through at the We PAUSED! Unbound reception and knew I could surely do this. I can surely do this, I thought. And sure enough, we did it and the little kids and big kids made amazing wands!
We paired their wands with their paintings of color from Sush’s camp session the week prior. This was inspired by Sush’s original red color painting she made for a friend that included my earliest wand and swatch of Lao fabric.
I recently met up with Julie after 2 1/2 years. She came to my studio and I showed her what I’d been working on. She also brought some of her incredible hand-stitching creations for me to see, too! Later we walked over to Stomping Ground in Del Ray and got tea and a biscuit and caught up, sitting outside in the shade.
Julie is one of the best teachers I’ve ever encountered. Her talent, dedication, and passion for hand-stitching is beyond. I told her how she inspired me, and how that one thing led to the other, and another, recounting everything to her first in what I’m writing here now.
Then my dear friend going way back, Kristina (and Patreon supporter, thank you!), posted this a few days later on her Instagram. It was visual typography of powerful words, filling up the windows of a downtown storefront.
“START NOW. FIND OUT WHAT YOU’RE CAPABLE OF.” Indeed. I’ve started now. I’m finding out what I’m capable of.
We never know how one person, then another, then another sets us in motion to overcome our fears and limiting beliefs about ourselves. Thank you everyone for showing me the way, in the way only you all could.
I can’t help but wonder if those wands I made last year were doing some magic on me all along, too, moving me from behind to a little bit more in front....
✻
LouLou
“In front” was originally published as an exclusive post to my Patreon supporters in August 2022. Now it is public to you, too!
And I’m excited to announce that from December 2022, I’m switching to Ko-fi!
Ko-fi is also an online creator platform and makes it easy for fans to financially support creatives with either a one-time donation or signing up for a monthly subscription. It is where I share early access and exclusive content of my creative process, original stories, and inspiration. My work explores fiber arts, nature gathering, mark making, photography, and writing.
Want to join me and other supporters on a journey? By joining one of my monthly membership tiers, I get to show my appreciation to you by offering benefits! Depending on the tier, the benefits I offer are behind the scenes, works in progress, personal stories, early access, exclusive content, and mailed packages of my art, experiments, and/or Lao materials.
Want to offer a little support because you like what you see or read? I’m humbly grateful for your one-time donation!
Thank you, each of you, for supporting my ongoing creative work. It means so much and I am grateful. Much of the art and writing on this website is because of you!
A big shout out to my wonderful supporters! Thank you, each of you, for supporting my ongoing creative work – Julie B, Sharmila K, Sushmita M, Kori J, Marga F, Kara B, Kristina L, Laura C, Louise B, Beck C, Skip M, Chris Z, and Richie M. It means so much and I am grateful. I think of you as create these posts, what I write about and share, and I hope that it offers you insight and inspiration along the way.
